Knocked Sideways- Resolution-ish.
Today I woke up feeling encouraged.
With this paperwork from Haiti situation, I have been so knocked sideways by how unexpected it was and the thought that an entire country could tell me that we are not a fit enough family to raise one of their own, man that hurts.
I’ve been mad. Sad. Angry. And most of all relieved. It felt like ” this is it. This is our out so that we don’t have to do this big scary, unpredictable thing”
So I quit. I quit emotionally and after a few days I quit working on our home study paperwork too. I haven’t touch it in two weeks or more. I even went so far as to move the binder to the clutter pile over on the desk, instead of it’s previously prominent place on the kitchen table where I could see it, pray over it and work on it every day.
I was done. I was hurt. I was shocked. I was mad. I was confused. I was relieved. So I quit.
After the initial news, we didn’t even talk to each other about this new grey area we are in much. Silence between us ( which isn’t totally uncommon in a marriage of two introverts. We introverts tend to have an understanding in the silence).
I wasn’t silent with God. But I also wasn’t very nice to him either. Still I was honest. I told God that I quit. I quit! Already, this is too hard and scary and I’m so confused.
So I made God a deal! Hah! Once the emotion has settled that’s always such a laughable thing. We all do it, and I imagine it’s looks to God a lot like when my 3 year old makes a deal with me. It’s short sighted, immature, lacking in wisdom and foresight. But it makes my 3 year old feel better about things so I play along. This is what God has done with me.
He played along in his gentle, loving way. I told God that I quit. I didn’t want to do this anymore, but, ( here is where I make my big brave concession to the God who hung the stars) if Daren doesn’t quit I will follow him.
Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, guess who never quit!!! Hah! I mean, it’s like when my 3 year old says ” I will never eat that banana!” So I redirect Him, knowing full well that he will eat that banana, and 5 minutes later he eats the whole banana with pride thinking it’s his idea.
So we are back on track. The binder is back on the kitchen table and I’m back to swimming in paperwork, albeit less stressed than I was when I started it the first time. ( that’s a little God given surprise gift that I’m surprised by thankful for.)
Well played, God.
We have one more step we can take with Haiti. We have the option to write a letter directly to IBSER and ask them directly if they will accept or refuse our family.
So here we go. One more step forward holding Philippians 4:5 near right now.
” let everyone see your gentleness. THE LORD IS AT HAND”.