I’m scared.  

I’m scared.  

April 16, 2916 and I’m scared. Adoption is the biggest ask of Fair God has ever asked if me. And I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m not really hearing Gods voice. I’m scared that I will ruin my family. I’m scared that I will have too many kids and not be the great mother I want to be for each kid. I don’t want my first three kids to feel like everything changed and went south after we adopted.  

I’m scared that this is real.  

It was very easy to dream and pray and imagine when Daren was a firm no. Now he’s a yes and it’s real, it’s scary.  

I’m also scared that we won’t attach. That as a family we won’t feel cohesive. That there will always be some invisible divide. I’m scared that it will always feel like I’m raising a loved niece or nephew, not another child of my own. And I do badly want to raise another child emotionally as my own. 

I’m scared of hearing Darens overwhelmed  voice. I’m scared of turning on him and being mad at him all the time. I’m scared of repeating the months that I barley survived when we brought our first three babies home. 

I’m scared that I’m not qualified to raise a black child. I’m scared that I will never again have any me time. I’m scared that I’m too lazy and easily distracted to raise 5 kids. 

I’m scared that my parents might never accept multi racial grandchildren.  

So God, these are my fears today. These are my I’m scareds. I lay them right now at your feet, at the foot of the cross. I know that I scare. The enemy knows that I scare. Being scared is what freezes me. He knows that if he can get me scared enough that I won’t respond to Gods call. I will freeze, and not obey. I will be too scared.  

I have been emailing with  a friend, Eryn, today about the realities of mothering a family blended by biology and adoption. These are some of her words. Some of the truths she knows about adoption   

Eryn: 

In my heart of hearts I truly believe when we are “called” to adopt, it is to act in faith to love a child without a family. To become their family. It’s our responsibility to come before the Lord and seek his wisdom as to what that may look like. The truth is- if he has in fact called you guys, he ALREADY KNOWS. He knows your child/children. He already has a plan. He is sovereign over all. 

That said– God also sometimes calls us to MORE than we beleive we can handle. If it was what WE can handle, it becomes About US. If we are truly acting in faith, with the purpose of bringing Glory to HIM ALONE…then we have to be willing to go to the place he calls -so it can be about him. His provision of all the things. 

The blessings far outweigh the hard days! Those lives are worth every ounce of challenge.


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