If not us, then who? 

If not us, then who? 

If not us then who?  I asked myself this question for years.  I said it out loud to God  in July in 2015.  
If not us the who will raise a pair of parent less children? Who will teach them about Jesus and a mothers love? 
If not us then who? 
I have to have this conversation with Daren.  
I’m scared of a lot of it. I’m scared of all of the unknowns. I’m scared of how it would change our lifestyle.  
Our life and marriage and time was so hard. So hard just a few years ago. When the girls were both babies and I was drowning in exhaustion and hormones and loneliness, it was so hard. That it still maybe the hardest season of my life so far. It was that hard.  
Unknown exhaustion. A struggling marriage fighting to breathe through two pregnancies and two newborns in two years.  Two daughters who needed me 100% at the same time and Me feeling like couldn’t ever give them totally what they needed. I did it emotionally alone and even mostly physically alone.   
I’m scared that adoption will throw us back into that. We have a freedom with our time now that we’ve never had. With five kids no one could handle them alone. No one could watch them for a long weekend alone.   
I know it would change our finances, but in truth, I’m not so worried about that. I know that God will provide and that Daren is a very financially sound man. Where we put our money would need to be different, yes, and the division of our estate and inheritance numbers divided up at the end would be different.   
But still, I can see our children excitedly and whole heartedly welcoming new littles and easily calling them family. Georgia would thrive as the oldest of 5. So many children to boss around. Hazel with her tender heart would be ok too. She marches to the beat of her own drum more every year and I think she always will, and I plan to encourage her to always do so. Bo with his gentle heart and humor would welcome other little kids and babies and I think he’d be a great brother to a brother. 
So I don’t know…..
But if not us then who? 
God show me truth in this calling. Unite Daren and I under the same calling. Break our hearts for what breaks yours, break them for the same things together. I’m here, send me. ( just typing that sends my heart racing because it’s such a risky thing to say to God. Hah! ) 

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