You must’ve been a beautiful baby

You must’ve been a beautiful baby

My heart. My Girl. My baby.

I’m having a bit of a baby breakdown today. Make that a full on baby breakdown. I’m not ready for this beautiful baby girl to no longer be my baby. I understand that I will not be trading out babies at the hospital or anything. I know that they are not going to make me give one over for the other, but still, its a weird place to be. I remember the day I took my pregnancy test for our Sweet Surprise. I woke up, nursed my tiny baby, then received a positive pregnancy test. It was weird.

I love being a mom. I sometimes had dreams of running a fortune 500 company, but my lifelong dreams were of being a wife and a mother. I’m living my dreams is so many ways. Still, I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around raising two babies today. Two tiny babies.

I don’t know how I’m going to split my time.
I don’t know how I’m going to split my heart.

I don’t know how I’m going to go grocery shopping.

I feel overwhelmed, grateful and sad all at the same time. There are times when I feel this tiny 23 week old baby kick in my belly and smile ear to ear marveling at the utter blessing that we get to do this twice. Then there are times, like today, when I cuddle my 10 month old and cry because I’m not ready for her to be my big kid.

God brought me to this and I am certain that he will bring me through this. I can also understand in my head that I will fall totally in love with my second baby and still remain completely in love with my first baby, my heart just doesn’t know how yet.

2 Comments

  1. shelly on August 26, 2010 at 6:52 am

    This reminds me of a story one of my favorite people told me. She's a grandma now, but remembers having an all out cry as she was trying to drive because she was pregnant with her second boy and felt so bad that she just couldn't love #2 like #1. It's just such a funny image to me because I wonder how many of us have had that same silly thought!! I love this picture btw!

  2. DeLane & Kevin & Parker Lilly on August 27, 2010 at 4:58 am

    what a sweet and dear post. You will be fine because you are an amazing woman and mother. God had women bear children for a reason….for ALL the LOVE we can give. Not that men can't, it's just we can do laundry, grocery shop, cook, workout and play with our little one's all at the same time while sharing this unconditional love. Heart you friend.

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